producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
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H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
You can’t drink and drive. You can’t text and drive. You can’t smoke bud and drive. It’s like they expect you to just focus on driving.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
My tallest finger wants to give you a standing ovation.
Bravo!
I’m tired and want to sleep, but I can’t stop imagining how the whole scenario of the first person to pee on a jellyfish sting went down