Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
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How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Fitbit says it’s time to chase another victim through the cornfield.
What does it mean when you’re flirting with a guy and he’s just crying and holding up a crucifix?
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”
Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
My four year old has informed me that he doesn’t want us to get a lion. Not because they’re deadly predators, but because he’s allergic to cats and thinks a lion would make him sneeze too much. I’m just glad we discussed it before I went shopping.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
Hey Billy Joel it’s called a pianist.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr
“No points, illegal kick to the face.”
“But I’m the hero of this movie.”
“Fair enough, here’s your trophy.”
-The Karate Kid
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
Finally
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
Everyone’s always like “how did you get past security?”
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
my dad has had enough
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”