Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
Programming is chaotic magic. There are no rules. You ask a game dev “Can the player summon a giant demon that bursts from the ground in an explosion of lava?” and they’ll say “sure, that’s easy” and then you’ll ask “can the player wear a scarf?” and they’ll go “oof”
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
If you ever lose me at an estate sale, I can usually be found wrestling some old lady named Edith in the kitchen over a ladle and some tongs. Please don’t intervene. I’ve got this.
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
imagine a world where there’s like 30 other guys who look exactly like you and you all go everywhere together and you’re all constantly screaming. that’s what being a crow is like. hard not to be jealous of that lifestyle…
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.