Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Hey women, save your money, we just want you wrapped in a bow for Christmas. Wait, don’t even worry about buying the bow.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
An avocado is a vegan kinder egg
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
the greatest twitter interaction
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
my boss, the chef: you can’t beat eggs for breakfast
me, making an omelette: what