Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
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“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Gonna start feeding my dog condoms, so when she poops they’re already in tiny little bags!
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Home #decor warning.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
My special talent is remembering the lyrics to every song I’ve ever heard more than once BUT I wish it was biochemical genetics or juggling
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
In my next life, I’m coming back as a baby