PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-
ME: [raises hand]
PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
Her: Where do you work?
Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…
Her: *starts choking on food*
Me: …on a TV show
This trial is so absurd 😭
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
My memory is horrible but I remember every person I loaned a book to that didn’t return it.
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
They’re saying I put a stuffed animal in the toilet. Untrue. I sent it on a mission to retrieve my toy cars.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
I go under the police tape, approach the chalk outlined body, and flash my subway sandwich card.
“Ok what do we got here?”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.