Some people don’t like awkward silences but I do because that’s when I think about Thundercats.
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guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”
Sorry I asked if today was laundry day. I was just trying to find a way to understand your outfit.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
I’m jealous that when an athlete gets injured it makes headlines. I need that kind of attention. “We at ESPN are reporting that Ron stubbed his toe on a table and when he went to look at it he hit his head on the table”
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White t-shirt: lol same.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
[prison]
CELLMATE: what are you in for?
ME: (actually in jail for jumping a fence to hug a panda) murder
I’m giving up ice.
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
Cop: can I see some id
Me: *gives him a napkin* keep the change
Cop: are you high
Me: yes sir
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
My dog gives me attitude when getting his paws wiped off after being outside. It must be just awful to get rewarded with foot massages just for using the bathroom.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this