Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
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Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
The 3 yo was playing row row row your boat in a box across the floor. All was fun until he announced his paddle broke.
It’s my shoe. My shoe was the paddle. My shoe is broken.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
Just realized half way through my date that I still had lipstick on my forehead from my mom kissing me goodbye.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
A first kiss so tentative and awkward, you regret all the time you spent practicing on your beagle.
Did I just say that out loud?
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year