PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
You Might Also Like
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
[at party]
friend: is dave coming?
me: cool dave or dave who likes watering holes & has amnesia?
Dave: well, well, well..who do we have here
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
[God making spaghetti]
ANGEL: Did you accidentally drop a lasagna in the paper shredder?
GOD: [taking bong rip] Bold of you to assume it was an accident.
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Meow
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
If you find a fry on the floor and you don’t share it with me, we can’t be friends. Don’t touch me. Monster.
If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”