Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Me: I need a doctor’s appointment
Receptionist: Ok [checks bookings] how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: No I don’t need that many
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
I would make a terrible Buddhist because I kill a lot of ants and drifters
How many children do I want to have? Kind of a weird question for a first date, but umm I guess enough to finish the temple
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
My favourite bit of every James Bond film is the bit immediately after the titles when Bond goes to the office and gets told off by his boss. That bit, I can really relate to.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
I’m locked out. Come let me in.
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people