911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
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What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
HER: I’m a gun enthusiast
ME [trying to impress]: I’m sweating bullets
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
DOCTOR: wut brings you in today
ME: im feeling funny
*an hour later*
DOCTOR: don’t worry you aren’t
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Tried to steal some candy from a baby.
I got hit in the face with a rattle and then it puked on me
They lied about how easy that was.
If you do blood curdling screams and run your fastest zig zag patterns I bet you could make it out of a store with at least forty seven eggs
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
8yo Me: *sneaks candy*
14yo Me: *sneaks cigarettes*
18yo Me: *sneaks alcohol*
43yo Me: *sneaks candy*Being an adult is stupid.
the end of twitter is taking forever did tolkien write this