professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
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[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?DATE: The worst night of my life
ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.
Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
people flirting in your comments are like bats writing love notes to eachother in the smoke of your dumpster fire
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
You say “tomato”, I say “flamingo”. I also put goldfish in my armpits. My opinion should be ignored.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅