professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
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‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I need a Magic 8 ball so i can find out if I’m drinking today or if I’m re-shaking it until i am
Sometimes it’s hard to nap at work. Like, when the boss is standing beside you or when you don’t have a job.
Me: Can’t. I’m exhausted from all the CrossFit this morning.
Him: It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ & how the hell did you eat the entire dozen?!
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.