professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
You Might Also Like
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.
Are wings and mini tacos okay?
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.
6 year old wouldn’t drink out of my cup because she doesn’t want my “DNA”. Should I tell her?
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
Me: Children I may not have riches to pass onto you but I do have faulty genetics and a history of anxiety that is all yours.
Children: Wait what?
Me: What?
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Chefs who can’t admit failure present:
Soft-boiled eggs
Steak tartare
Twice-baked potatoes
Sour cream
Calzones
Pineapple upside down cake
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.