professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
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Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Noah
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[choosing a daycare: first child]
Wife: what certifications do your employees have? what curriculum do you use?
Me: do your cameras have any blind spots?
[choosing a daycare: second child]
Wife: do you have any openings?
Me: what’s the latest we can pick them up?
My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama