Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
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Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
Banker: I understand you’d like to apply for a student loan?
Me: Yes. Preferably one that’s good at math.
Banker: What?
Me: What?
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.