@Poutymcgee: "You go girl!! Your dance moves are on point! Why not get up on stage for some karaoke too! You're an amazing singer!" - Vodka

@JT_IV_: Keep your friend's toast, but keep your enemy's toaster.

@AbbyHasIssues: If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there's a 99 percent chance you'll see them in every single aisle after that.

@KeetPotato: [sex-ed lesson] now, unroll the condom down over the bana- what is it keith? "i ate my banana"

@Fickle_Filly: If your partner asks, "Do you love your phone more than you love me?" Lie.