PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
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Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Boss: It’s Labor Day. Everyone gets the day off to celebrate all the hard work they do during the year.
Me: Is that why I’m-
Boss: That’s why you’re working.
I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
“You’d better run, egg!”
Welcome to procrastinators club. The meeting will start eventually.
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.