PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
You Might Also Like
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
You ever feel pretty cool and then you see someone driving the same car as you and then get disappointed that they are much older and then even more disappointed to realize they are the same age as you
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
awkward
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
<job interview>
Do you prefer to deal with things in person or over the phone?me: no
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.