Mosquito *bites a vampire*:
Holy shit, this guy’s a whole buffet!
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Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now
the best sex is the kind that keeps your neighbor up all night. that’s what my neighbors are having.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
Why throw it in the hamper when I can throw it on a chair that’s 2 feet away from the hamper.
– My husband
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
“kill them with kindness” wrong. crow attack
🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛🐦⬛
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
Jesus: saw that facebook event “last supper”… looks good but whys it called the “last supper” ?
Judas: oh.. No reason really
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
As it turns out, ‘harder’ is a terrible safe word