@bfrosty04: Prom night for my 17 year old daughter, or as I like to call it, 'Dad spends the evening sharpening his axe' night.
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@OhNoSheTwitnt: The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
@mattsurely: My favorite sex position? Boy there's so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I'd have to pick, um, reverse...shortstop? I gotta go
@Mr_Kapowski: If the movie theater slightly lowered their candy prices I wouldn't have to duct tape candy around my kid's torso like a suicide bomber
@markedly: Mafia Boss: You wearin' a wire? Me: "Wire" you asking me that? lol get it [the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]