has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
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Strangers have the best candy.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Trains should still have a caboose, if you stop to watch it go by you should be rewarded with a good ending
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
*ninja group therapy
Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!
My boyfriend is watching Glee voluntarily and tapping his foot and smiling. That makes me a lesbian now, right?
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Try not to put yourself in a position where you have to say “I’m not actually a Nazi”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Japan’s theme parks have banned screaming on roller coasters because it spreads coronavirus. “Please scream inside your heart.”
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
The glory of fall.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!