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“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
My girlfriend’s daughter was laying across my legs.
Me: What am I a pillow now?
Her: Yep, and pillows don’t talk.
I think we’re bonding.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I woke up this morning next to a dead fly that I don’t know. I need to stop drinking.
“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat