There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
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Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
I bet the first guy to pee on someone’s jellyfish sting was NOT trying to help them.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Me: I’m bored
Dad: hi bored I’m dad
Me: I’m hungry
Dad: hi hungry I’m dad
Me: I’m here’s 20 dollars
Dad: hi here’s 20 dollars
Me: thanks dad
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a biter” and see how it goes.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
Someone posts video
“Wait till the end”Me – *fast forwards to the end*
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.