*pronounces carrot like tarot*
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I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
I’m so jealous that guys can poop standing up
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
What knobhead puts a shower opposite a mirror?
Totally unrelated, I’m starting a diet tomorrow.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
*me flirting
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.