Gaslighting myself with the lid of this Pringles tube like I’m actually capable of some restraint.
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HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
Father-in-law criticizing too much tablet time for my kids.
Things I have suggested for him to do with my kids:
Just Dance
Plant Flowers
Park
Play Cards
Bake Cookies
Play Softball
Go for a walk
Watch Encanto
Fly kitesThings my FIL has agreed to do with my kids:
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
I started planking. Well, I laid on my stomach and it was so nice I didn’t want to ruin it with exercise.
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*
Her: um you’re not wearing the costume
Me: pretty strong though
Puts myself out there
Puts myself back bc wtfff
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.