*pronounces injury like lingerie*
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Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Carl: So hot today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.
Me: Fair enough.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
It’s bath time, darling, fetch me my toaster.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
When I was much younger, my father giving me a sip of some Budweiser beer hoping to somehow sway me from drinking beer. All it did was teach me what beers to avoid.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
Me: Finally, time to sleep!
Brain: ahem
Me: oh God please no
Brain: I was thinking we could sing that catchy commercial jingle. 87 times.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
My favorite type of men is ramen.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”