*pronounces woah like Noah*
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The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Yeah I do yoga.
Ninja Yoga.
I’m so good at it, you won’t even see me there.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
I can’t take this anymore. I’m breaking into the zoo and throwing myself into the meerkat exhibit
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
Why’d they call it an “aquarium” instead of a “Here fish-see fish-see”
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”
I don’t even care if it’s a scam. Just the thought that a Nigerian prince took the time to write me a personal note has really made my day.
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
I am a gravy boat captain
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.