[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
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when you are just born a rebel
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.
-Me with beer, me without beer
I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.
Beauty and the Beast
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
I hate when people say “I’d give up my first born child for that.”
If you really want to entice me, offer to raise one of mine.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
TUESDAY. The day you realize that nothing can stop you, because you are a MAGIC SKELETON packed with MEAT and animated with ELECTRICITY and IMAGINATION. You have a cave in your face full of sharp bones and five tentacles at the end of each arm. YOU CAN DO ANYTHING, MAGIC SKELETON
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Forget solar power and wind power, we need to find a way to channel the unbridled rage 3yos have when they wake up into some kind of renewable energy. It’s the most powerful force on earth.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.