Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
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*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
My dad teaching me to drive
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
“You’ve got this,” I say to myself every time I look up something on WebMD.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Who cares about Friday the 13th? I mean, what more can the universe do to me?
No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]