My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
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this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I have a condition where if I don’t walk as fast as humanly possible wherever I go I will die. I’m like the bus in Speed
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
If I was a Jedi my most common use of the force would probably be rebooting the router.
Old professor stands in front of class:
Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now look directly behind you. Welcome to Owl School
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
If you don’t call ahead of time I won’t answer the door, but I don’t answer phones, so you see the dilemma.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My dog can predict when an earthquake is going to happen. But television doorbell versus actual doorbell baffles him every time.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
I would totally waterboard you.
-me flirting
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
i like how every TEDtalk ever is just like “organize your time better” and everyone says “revolutionary, thank you”
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.