Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
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Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
her: there’s a spider in the bath
me: ok I’ll get him a little towel
Watching as gravity slowly unfriends you.
[creates anti aging pill]
Reporter: wow imagine all the human applications this can have
*I scribble out ‘give to puppies’*
Yeah absolutely
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
I do not want a robot dog. I do want some sort of high-speed Wi-Fi router mobile hotspot installed in my current dog
I partied like it was 1999 and when I woke up, I was holding a huge flip phone with an enormous roaming charge.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please