PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
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Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
customer: can I get a chicken cesar salad?
me: yes, but he’ll have to eat it outside since we don’t allow pets
manager: can I talk to you
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
you: ant-man
me, an intellectual: uncle
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Words I heard most when I ran errands with my dad:
Wait in the truck
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.