*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
please someone make a recipe page that’s literally just ingredients and instructions. if i have to scroll through one more essay about someone’s culinary awakening i am going to lose my mind
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
[highspeed chase]
ANCIENT GREEK COP: Damn they’re getting away *turns on Siren*
[several nearby ships are lured to their doom]
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean
For those that worship cheese..
Yeah. This was me today.
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.