*proposes to girlfriend*
*accidentally drops ring in the street*
“I’ll still marry you”
Sorry, I’m married to the streets now
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The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”
JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
Me: Well, that’s enough for one day.
Husband: But you just woke up.
Me: Exactly.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
5 made a window cling, and it’s the most corrupt Sun I’ve ever seen.
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
Me: *struggling to focus on my yoga pose*
Cockroach: *crawls out of my yoga mat toward the instructor*
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
[death row sitcom]
Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!
Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change
Sign: *APPLAUSE*
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…