Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
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Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I like to tell my husband “this marriage ends in death” and let him interpret that however he wants.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
I can’t commit to plans with friends who wear fitbits.
-“No, I don’t want to take the stairs again, you psycho.”
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Why would I spend $5 on a bag of apples at the store when I can wear warm fall clothes in 88° weather and pay $36 for our family to pick them ourselves.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
[diary, day 3642 on deserted island]
How can I still be fat?
Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
He was bludgeoned to death with a vacuum. The suspect fled the scene quickly, leaving the victim…
*puts on sunglasses*
In the dust.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”
I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.