Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
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My husband fears a meat shortage and had $400 worth delivered. In order to fit it into the freezer, I had to eat all the ice cream. Who knew I was capable of such self-sacrifice?
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Me: can you make sure this diamond ring is in the bottom of her drink? I want it to be a really special moment
McDonald’s employee: ok
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
I will never give another woman my heart until I see how she acts when a bee flies at her.
Look at this fly rubbing his hands together, what is he up to?
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
[before animals were invented]
plants: this is nice
It’s so embarrassing when someone gets to second base with me and finds crumbs in my bra.
“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
Taylor Swift is a psyop designed to get my wife to hum little tunes here and there
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
When you forget you’re at the restaurant.
“you changed” bro i was 15
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
Updating my 2014 MacBook and you would think I am diffusing a bomb. It’s been two hours and the fan is going so hard it sounds like it’s preparing for take off
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys