Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
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sometimes you fall asleep with your phone in your hand like you’re a raccoon clutching a hotdog
– my husband, romancing me
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I am never leaving this website
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Don’t ask.”
Oh. I wasn’t even listening.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’