*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
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Liquor Store Parking
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
I don’t usually accept blood pressure medication as payment but these old dudes are desperate and I’m sober.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
I reward people who go looking for dust in my house with the satisfaction of finding some.
I need some sun. My legs are so white they just drove to Whole Foods in their Prius.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
“GUYS! GET UP! THE HOME INVASION ALARM IS GOING OFF AGAIN!”
~My dog when the doorbell rings
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.