*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
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Goose parade in The Netherlands.. 😊
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
But wait…
[during sex]
ME: I’m Italian, how about you?
HER: Finnish
ME: Ok sure just give me a second
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
I put the mess in domestic.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?