My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.
She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.
Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.
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People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
*cop sees chalk outline on family’s driveway* “Damn, a cute bunny was murdered”
“No, the kids who live here drew that, the body’s over here”
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
thinking about a very short hotdog
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Thoughts and prayers for this lady who tried to make her purse lighter by throwing out a couple of visiting cards.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
When someone says you are so lazy
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo