PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You Might Also Like
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Bride and groom: *exchanging rings*
Galadriel: but they were all of them deceived, for another ring was made…
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Wow, the Fire Marshall really has no sense of humor these days.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
A cool thing about kids is how they make you keep an open mind, like when your 3 year old wakes you up to ask “What if we were hotdogs?” and you’re like, oh damn what if
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
I’m at the point in my life where “friend with benefits” just means a person who gives me their Bed Bath & Beyond coupons.
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
nothing turns on a necrophiliac detective like cold, hard evidence
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
My boss: Why are you hiding behind the potted fern?
Me:
My boss: don’t be silly. Come out so we can complete your appraisal.
Me *makes nervous fern noises*
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.