PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
You Might Also Like
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Is it too late to drop myself off at the fire station?
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
If we meet in a social situation I’ll typically take over the conversation, do a tight five or ten minutes then clam up for the rest of the evening. That’s all I got. The next two hours is on you.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
*mops up wine with cat*
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
“You CAN even.”
– white girl life coach
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.