PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
But why do gorillas even need so many adhesive products?
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
My favorite part of The Little Mermaid is when Ariel signs a contract fully aware of the terms then kills the other party to get out of it.
LMAO
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
In Spain, it’s considered bad luck to die in a car accident
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.