PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
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On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
[Road trip]
me: *pops in disc* don’t talk while this is on
kids: it’s just a blank CD
me: SHHH
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Pro tip: The Labor Day weekend is a great time to start drafting your Halloween, Thanksgiving, and Christmas tweets.
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I was late to my first fight club last night so I missed the introduction but it was still really fun and I highly recommend fight club
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA