protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
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Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.
why I oughta
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
According to the Internet:
Xbox One
– $500.
– Weaker hardware.
– Mandatory daily check-in.
– Requires Kinect.
– DRM.PS4
– Cures cancer.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
*1st day as a human*
Alien: I did one of those poop things
Alien 2: And?
A: The corn we ate was there
A2: So?
A: Intact. Unbroken. Even though I chewed it up
A2: *unzipping human disguise* Call Mother Ship. We’re outta here
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
man i love columbo
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.