Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
I SHOULD HAVE WRITTEN THAT DOWN
An Autobiography
‘They always talk to me like I’m an idiot.’
~dogs in therapy
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
ME: hey did u get my letter?
HER: No
ME: weird, my carrier penguin should’ve made it by now
HER: You mean carrier pigeon?
ME: lol what
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
“Someone offered me grapes, but I declined . I’m not used to consuming wine in pill form.” — University of Chicago
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
Buck naked
#growingpains
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
#Caturday