@JoParkerBear: Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn't spill a drop. Him: Well, how'd you do that? Me: I kept my mouth shut..
@PoonWhisperer1: This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she's never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.