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Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
[Movie: Romance]
Him: [*At Airline Ticketing Counter] I need to get on the next flight to NY to tell my soulmate I love her!
Airline Clerk: That’ll be $4,433.56…
Him: K… forget it…
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
*struggling to get the peanut butter jar that I just closed open*
“HOLY COW, I’M STRONGER THAN MYSELF”
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
me to my student: go get your mom
my student, not moving: MMMMMAAAAAMMMMAAAAAAA!!!
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?