@HatfieldAnne: Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.
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@thatUPSdude: The show Hoarders is like a snooze button for cleaning your house, "My place isn't that bad, I can go another week"
@SlipperySecret: I'm going to pretend you didn't say that. ...because I don't have time to get arrested today.
@envydatropic: I'm no auto mechanic but I'm pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
@chrissyteigen: "Whose funeral was this photo taken at?" John, serious tone: "I dunno. Let's see who's missing" possible funniest thing john has said