I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
You Might Also Like
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
I pan fried chicken tonight.
On another completely unrelated note: the firemen in my town are gorgeoussssss.
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Just found out the last message the Mars Rover sent was, “my battery is low and it is getting dark,” and I will be using the same message for anyone who texts me to hang out after 630pm
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said