If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
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So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
a wizard dating app called bumbledore