Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
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Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
Me recordaron éste meme
what are they serving at kfc then???
VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
GUY (whose car died): can u help me? I need a jump
ME (pulling a trampoline out of my trunk): im always prepared for emergencies like this
My family doesn’t have a swear jar, but we do have a totes perf jar. If you say totes or perf, we throw a jar at you
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag