@TheBoydP: Protip: If a party guest says "I don't dance" what he's really telling you is "make my drinks stronger please".
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@ComedicBust: [in a burning building] Johnny Depp: Use my scarves to climb down Me: WHERE DID YOU COME F.. JD: [transforms into a raven and flies away]
@jordan_stratton: Well, lookie there. Bring a cheesecake to a gunfight and suddenly EVERYBODY wishes you'd brought a knife.
@Bandersnaaatch: When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
@PaperWash: vampire waiter: would you like to order? customer: I'll have a steak vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what...wuddya need a stake for?