@TheBoydP: Protip: If a party guest says "I don't dance" what he's really telling you is "make my drinks stronger please".
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@VestaTot: There's a little girl's voice that sings lullabies in my guest room closet but don't mind her; she died years ago. Here's your blanket.
@mommy_cusses: Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
@trevso_electric: When I hear commercials say "win a trip for you and six friends" I start counting to see if I have six friends.
@mactx85: I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.